22 | Part 2 With Fundamental Fastpitch The Podcast

[00:00:00] Rusty Ham, Catching You Part 2, Fundamental Fast Pitch Podcast

[00:00:30] Rusty, let's jump over into your hindsight, looking back into that age group and first starting off with Lacey and just the transition for you as a coach and a parent over the years.

[00:00:43] Yeah, I first want to say I'm glad that having a perspective like she has at 21, skipped a generation because I was not like that at 21 years old.

[00:00:52] I was trying to find the nearest bar and so I appreciate Lacey. Great stuff. I love just hearing you talk about your perspective on life and how softball is going.

[00:01:04] Yeah, so when she was six, our goal, when I started teaching in 98, I was fortunate enough to have a PE teacher. He was older.

[00:01:15] He had a lot of wisdom and the first thing he says, hey, the first thing you need to do is get your daughter into gymnastics for that coordination and just being able to move your body in a productive way.

[00:01:29] That was the first thing we did. We put her into gymnastics. And then that's one thing I did is I seek help a lot from other teachers, parents.

[00:01:37] But it was very important to us that they played multiple sports. So I think, Lacey, when you were in gymnastics, we tried to get you in the water polo.

[00:01:47] We got you in the soccer, basketball. We even tried lacrosse when you were in middle school.

[00:01:52] So we were trying multiple sports. So we had no idea at six years old that she was like really interested in softball.

[00:01:58] She loved the cheers. That was for sure. So she was the one and we talked about it, I think in one of our first episodes, first two episodes, she, the season started but we didn't have any cheers, right?

[00:02:13] So she went online and she printed out all these cheers and she brought it to the next practice so that everyone can learn it.

[00:02:20] And so she was in charge of the cheers and since then, Lacey is always in the dugout. She's always in the corner of the dugout leading the cheers.

[00:02:32] Even when she had a bad pitching game, she would probably sit on the bench for a split second.

[00:02:38] But when the team was up, even if she had a bad inning, she would still cheer for her teammates.

[00:02:43] So that was when we saw her doing that when she was young, we're like, okay, we know that she's competitive number one.

[00:02:52] She's also very supportive and so we tried to get her into multiple things.

[00:02:56] So that would be my first advice as six years old is just what they like.

[00:03:04] Don't page them all in one sport. A lot of parents will do that though.

[00:03:08] They grew up playing baseball. So that's all they're going to do. They're going to put them in baseball.

[00:03:11] So that would be my only say. And then once they, when she started getting the fever of I think it was seven, right? Seven.

[00:03:20] I think she was seven when we first got her first pitching lessons and those videos are absolutely number one. They're adorable.

[00:03:30] But they're the funniest thing on the face of the earth.

[00:03:33] So I don't know if that's, but when we found that she was interested, she started feeling, she started getting the fever of softball.

[00:03:41] We obviously, we were going to do anything when they fall in love with the sport, they fall in love.

[00:03:46] We're going to support her. So we figured it out whether it was pitching lessons, batting lessons.

[00:03:51] We didn't do batting lessons for a while, but it was more mainly pitching lessons first started.

[00:03:56] Yeah, I can agree with that. I grew up, I started in gymnastics, actually I did baseball.

[00:04:04] I started out in baseball before we transitioned over softball. And then same thing like in junior high, my parents were similar.

[00:04:11] I played basketball, volleyball, track, tennis, I did pole vault.

[00:04:15] Like basically if there was a sport going on during the season, like I was in it until I got to high school and I was like, okay, time to zone in, pick one and stick with it.

[00:04:24] And Heather, you played multiple sports throughout your like youth sports era, right?

[00:04:28] Yeah, basketball and volleyball as well.

[00:04:31] Mostly baseball though.

[00:04:33] Yeah, I did not like to continue on those two.

[00:04:36] And those were the when I coached because I coached basketball as a head coach for a while.

[00:04:41] Those are one of my most successful players were ones that played football, played out.

[00:04:46] They don't have to basketball.

[00:04:48] Three sport athletes. So those were them and they got it right.

[00:04:54] They understood it wasn't just about all about basketball and their playing time.

[00:04:57] They were there. If they were a mainly a football player and they were just there to play basketball that we talked, you know, they see and I talked about being hungry, humble and smart.

[00:05:10] The ones that played multiple sports, I view them as being very humble because they may not be very good at that one sport basketball, but they loved it.

[00:05:20] They were humble about it. They were hungry because they wanted to win and they were very smart.

[00:05:23] They were the multiple sports players were one of my smarter players as well.

[00:05:29] So tell me a little bit rusty about as Lacey has developed over the years, that's some good advice for starting out.

[00:05:38] Talk a little bit so that we can understand how she grew into those teenage years and you talk about being hungry and fighting for passion for the game.

[00:05:45] Do you have any kind of kind site advice or any sort of like just knowledge that you can share with Heather again with 13 year old daughter of kind of do you remember Lacey and at that age and what your style was what worked for you and some of the things that you guys were working through?

[00:06:02] Yeah, when she first started travel ball I was more supportive.

[00:06:06] I was like the assistant coach too because when she first started team as you know, if you guys have ever heard but team as you know Mike stiff broke off from batbusters at that point and created his own program team as you know.

[00:06:22] And then he jumped back in two years later but I was at a supportive role at that point.

[00:06:27] But when she started like all stars, eight you all stars and then when she got into travel ball she's getting a ton of innings.

[00:06:38] The support at their organization was chosen about busters.

[00:06:44] She was very sought out as far as getting a ton of innings on those teams.

[00:06:49] So I'm not sure yet just being their support because I was and to be honest with you there's a couple episodes in our episodes where I was not supportive.

[00:07:00] I was because of the organization she was in.

[00:07:03] I was putting pressure not only on her but I was putting pressure on myself like as a parent that okay we're in this big organization.

[00:07:11] She needs to perform she needs to be at the top level because she's in this organization so I was putting pressure on her unnecessary pressure.

[00:07:20] To perform so I was she did have a bad pitching session in the backyard.

[00:07:25] I would not be happy about it.

[00:07:27] I've never pitched a day in my life.

[00:07:29] I never played softball a day in my life but here I am.

[00:07:34] Judging her on her performance rather than being supportive I was not and then there was a point where I think she was Heather she was your age actually when she came in and said and she just fall her head off.

[00:07:47] She said why are you acting this way dad like why won't you talk to me what is it that I did that made you mad plenty.

[00:07:56] I'm not mad at you.

[00:07:58] You're spot three through the ball over the fence and so yeah but I'm not doing it on purpose so that was the time where I like okay I need to back off right as a father and our relationship got way better after that I started backing up.

[00:08:10] I started asking her like she said earlier asking her hey how did that feel or how did you feel bad.

[00:08:18] It was a good transition as a parent.

[00:08:20] That makes sense where I was I was focused on her and her performance how it looked on me if she didn't perform well how did I look at as me as a father so I did a lot of retrospect and back off at that point.

[00:08:35] So how did you find the like obviously at the point when she came crying to realize that's way too much but so you let off where had you find when that the line of this is just enough pressure to keep her motivated and working hard and hungry to do better but not so hard that she's hating lines.

[00:08:55] Yeah it was delicate right because it should not be crying.

[00:08:59] Yeah.

[00:09:01] Number one that should not be coming we've talked to a couple other like probably coaches and you know all of them came back crying after practice because of whatever happened in practice and I'm like that should not be happening should not be crying because of something happening in practice or a bull pain or whatever but she even described herself she she's very competitive and we and we talked about it off camera a couple days ago.

[00:09:28] But she's super competitive so it helped me and father because he would then come to me hey this didn't work or this is what do you think she would ask me right and then I get I would always give her my two cents way say I still do and I think I thought you as before all compliment her a great game.

[00:09:47] However you let your leaving her change up over the plate too much or your rise ball sucks I'll be really honest with her.

[00:09:54] I'm not I don't hold back as far as what I think.

[00:09:57] I also more encouraging now I encourage a war and more supportive than I used to be.

[00:10:06] No and I think that's that's a good bread we talk a lot about that on that parent child parent player relationship in fact we have a whole creating connection series on it where we have a lot of time.

[00:10:17] We have an episode specifically talking about that parent relationship.

[00:10:21] Lacey I want to get your perspectives because I was in a boat that it took me a while to have that conversation with my dad and at the point that I finally did it I had lost my love for the game and it became more like a job.

[00:10:35] In fact I think we had a conversation about whenever I was being recruited to Tulsa and the different offers that were on the table you just talked about it six out of seven days a week like softball is like it's not who you are but it is definitely a job at this point.

[00:10:47] I think that's a good conversation there's a lot behind the scenes that goes into it but as a player and as a daughter do you have any expectations on how or when is the best time to approach your parent about if how they're responding to you or how they're parenting you is not making it feel good.

[00:11:07] If it's not building you up if it's not encouraging if it's taking away that love or not you have any sort of insight you can share with us there.

[00:11:14] I mean I had this conversation with him when I was like 11 or 12 and for me necessarily it wasn't that I was losing love for the game I just thought what did I think I thought that he was always mad at me because of the way I performed and of course a lot of children want to impress their parents.

[00:11:44] And I felt like I wasn't doing that because of like some of his reactions and first I went to my mom and I was like mom I don't know what's going on and she said you have to talk to him and I was like okay now I have to talk to him and.

[00:12:01] I would because I've always loved softball I there's there's only maybe there's a it has to be a really big thing for me to actually lose the love for softball and not make it such a job.

[00:12:17] Once you I like you mentioned once you got to college it did start to feel like a job six out of seven days but it's all about like we go back to communication and I know some there's some players that are actually like scared to go to their parents and actually communicate.

[00:12:35] You're making me feel really like bad and I need encouragement from you not like the Gratian in some it's hard because.

[00:12:45] As a parent I feel like it's it's it's good it takes a lot for.

[00:12:52] Their child that comes to you and say you're making me feel upset.

[00:12:57] And once that conversation happens it there needs to be some sort of reflection of course between the parent and the child.

[00:13:06] I'm I'm grateful that I did it at such a young age and was it's I'm and that me and my dad have a good relationship where I can come to him and open up to him about it and he'd be understanding and.

[00:13:18] Loving and caring about what I have to say and some kids don't have that relationship and it's it's really hard for girls to do that and I understand and.

[00:13:30] I would just say it might be uncomfortable but if it's really making you feel like you're losing the love for the game or there's too much pressure on and there's already pressure from your coaches your teammates yourself and now.

[00:13:48] These people that you look up to you and that you want proud of you are putting pressure on you there needs to be some sort of conversation that happens because it can affect your mental health long term.

[00:14:00] And.

[00:14:02] There are some girls that do just quit softball because there's just it's too much and that conversation didn't happen because they were so scared of what their parents might say to them or like.

[00:14:15] Some households are they can be seen as.

[00:14:19] They I work as I'm a representative at San Jose State first athlete mental health and I know it's seen as weak to be speaking help for mental health shoes or mental performance shoes.

[00:14:34] And that's a big stigma in the student athlete community and it is stigma between a parent and child as well because of how of house parents have raised kids or some cultures so it definitely is hard because.

[00:14:51] I went when I saw where I had my dad and I could go to my mom about these things.

[00:14:56] It's hard for me to come from a perspective where I could like there are some households that they're they might not feel comfortable at all going to their parents.

[00:15:09] I feel that sort of perspective and I'm not very understanding of that perspective so I don't know how much insight I can give on that.

[00:15:18] But it's definitely I mean I could say that this there is a stigma against see me as the.

[00:15:26] Well like reaching out to your coach and saying this isn't working like how we've talked about before.

[00:15:30] I do know about that and I just want to say to young girls that it's OK to reach out for help or even older girls that are in travel ball like it's OK to talk about how you feel and how softball is making you feel.

[00:15:45] It should not feel like a job.

[00:15:47] It's a sport you play like you don't fall.

[00:15:53] I'm going to it's I'm going to play softball like but you're playing a sport.

[00:15:56] You're not the weakest sport.

[00:15:58] So that's my I'm really glad that you mentioned that some kids have a hard time going to their parents because absolutely believe that the kids need to speak up for themselves and let them let their parents know how they're feeling.

[00:16:12] They obviously parents can't read minds.

[00:16:14] We can read our kids pretty good usually but we can't read your mind.

[00:16:17] But I think that the honest is definitely on the parent to be receptive to those conversations and know that you need to be reading your kids all the time when there's something a little bit off when there's something just bothering your kid.

[00:16:30] You need to dig a little bit deeper help them feel comfortable in coming to you and having those conversations because above all else.

[00:16:38] Well the softball what's most important is your relationship with your kid.

[00:16:43] I know growing up I remember seeing so many teammates and kids that I in players that I played against that man they just resented their dad their mom so much because they were so hard on them and they could tell us what to take a break or maybe just be nice to me or stop yelling from the stands or just all of those things and it's really easy as a parent to lose sight like you mentioned.

[00:17:04] You feel the pressure on yourself because it shouldn't but you're the way your kid performs feels like it reflects on you so it can be very easy to get caught up in it and put too much pressure on your kids.

[00:17:16] So absolutely parents out there.

[00:17:19] It's your job as your duty to always be tuned in to the way that you know the little things that your kid might be given off to ask those deep questions and get under there and see how they're doing and really get that real honest feedback from them and make them feel comfortable to have those conversations.

[00:17:34] It's just so huge.

[00:17:36] We were fortunate to have a good car rides home right I gave her her space on the right home half hour because like I told you earlier we're a lot of our games were on a half away after a game.

[00:17:48] I would give her her space for about and I did let her I gave her space and then when she wanted to talk she talked and then she would say what is the game and then we had a good conversation.

[00:18:00] Let me ask you this Heather what would you what kind of advice would you give a parent who is like that who is super hard on her kid all the time who was just constantly riding them where and then because we don't know what goes on in the car a lot on the right home.

[00:18:20] We assume sometimes the way they act at the field.

[00:18:23] You have maybe split parents right there's a divorce so there's two different car rides right so what kind of advice would you give parents that are like that that are maybe not so nice in the car just laying down after a bad game or something.

[00:18:41] Man that car ride home it's something that I've had to learn how to do better on it's always come from a good place of trying to help my daughter maybe see some of the things she can approve on or even talk about the things she really likes.

[00:18:52] She really did well but she's just not the type she doesn't want to talk about it she needs to process it herself and then later on if it's something that's bothering her she'll come to me but it took me a really long time to figure that out and to be able to just let that car ride home just be a car ride.

[00:19:07] We don't need to talk about the baby don't need to talk about practice.

[00:19:10] I do still make a habit of it's leaving a game always tell her that I had fun watching her or she played well or she put off great effort or whatever give her some sort of compliment tell her we had a good time.

[00:19:20] And then if it's leaving practice I always ask her how practice went or if there's anything she wants to talk about and usually it's no sometimes it's yes and that she has plenty of that offload off her chest but it's been an adjustment.

[00:19:33] But I would absolutely say that since I have made a concert effort to let her drive that conversation our relationship has gotten better just overall.

[00:19:42] She's the type that when I ask her questions even when I praise her too much she feels pressured by it so she doesn't react well to it.

[00:19:51] I'll circle back at a later date give her a day or at the end of the day maybe circle back and tell her if I thought she played really well or pointed out something really specific that I thought she did well but I've learned to just back off let her drive that ride home.

[00:20:04] And I think I say on our podcast podcast all the time you have to know your kids know your players know your daughter and know what drives her and what she is going to react best to so everybody's drive home is going to look a little different but I think it's pretty safe to say that if most parents need to back off on their drive home.

[00:20:23] You know your kid what she can handle but I would say try scaling it back a little bit if you're all reflection the whole way home back it off only reflects halfway home see how things go for a while.

[00:20:34] Scaling back probably the way to go.

[00:20:36] What I found as a parent is they need to fix it right away and they need to pick out three times and they need to fix that swing right away or they had to be to walk so they need to fix what was going on.

[00:20:48] It's almost a coach or a parent right give them 24 hours give it 24 hours then you can visit how the game went or like that.

[00:20:57] What about yeah speaking of parents and coaches.

[00:21:01] What about that relationship because again I code for 30 years I've had many conversations with parents not at the right time.

[00:21:10] Yes, you can take a little bit about the appropriate relationship between coach and parent in kind of conversations should they be happy.

[00:21:19] Should they be happy.

[00:21:23] You mentioned the 24 hour rule that's any teams that just my coach we always have the 24 hour rule.

[00:21:29] It's just a good way to make sure the emotions of the situation are taking over the conversation when we get too emotional.

[00:21:35] The conversations that result are generally never positive.

[00:21:39] At least it'll end that way so 24 hour rule is always a really good guide to go by and then as a parent approaching coaches now that my daughter is a little bit older.

[00:21:49] I have been encouraging her to go advocate for herself and there to support her.

[00:21:54] She's come to me a few times about playing time or just don't understand the coaching decisions and I tell her the same thing every time you should talk to your coach.

[00:22:02] You should ask her she'll be able to answer your questions and I always support her and tell her if you would like to have a conversation ahead of time the two of us so that you can make sure you know what you want to talk about then you're prepared or I can go with you.

[00:22:14] I can support you in that way whatever you need for me.

[00:22:18] I'm here for that but I need you to take the initiative as far as how when it's time for the parent to get involved.

[00:22:23] That's going to be case by case but I would definitely advise encouraging your kid to step up first.

[00:22:32] We've talked before if there's ever any kind of safety issue of course that's a different story but just to chime in Heather and I talked a little bit about this that it's also age appropriate so we're talking about.

[00:22:44] With her daughter who's 13 and advocating for herself and finding her voice that's not something that I'm going to go expect of my six year old so as a parent knowing when it's good to step in and when to and how to do that how to approach those conversations.

[00:22:59] So coming in yelling kick and screaming iron fist with these laid out expectations is not the way to go it's always a two sided conversation like Heather said the 24 hour rule to take the emotions out of it.

[00:23:10] But also asking questions in a way that's respectful of the coach so as coaches like we prefer the parent conversations that are like hey what can we be doing at home to give our kids more opportunities or what does my child need to work on or just again that whole accountability aspect.

[00:23:29] If it's conversations about hey why did you make this coaching decision or why is it my kid batting higher or strategy or things like that.

[00:23:38] I'm going to be honest as a coach those aren't really conversations that I'm as receptive to because at the end of the day like our motto is that whole trust the process thing.

[00:23:48] So if you want to if you want to have an disagreement or a debate on coaching styles like that's a path I tend to not to stay away from.

[00:23:55] Yeah and just to piggyback on that one of the things I've had a few conversations with my kids coached in the past.

[00:24:02] It's not something that's unheard of it happens sometimes you just need clarity on what the process is one of the things I absolutely shy away from is comparing my kid to one of her teammates.

[00:24:11] I'm not going to a coach and saying why isn't my kid getting opportunities here she's done this and this other players has done this.

[00:24:16] That's not my choice. I'm the coach I'm the parent I'm not the coach I'm not making the decisions on playing time I can get feedback and just said find out what my kid can do to give herself a better chance of putting that playing time or whatever it is that she's looking to get.

[00:24:31] But I am not going to put the coach into a position where she has to try to defend her coaching decisions on the spot if that's where conversation leads when I'm trying to understand the process.

[00:24:42] That's when trying to get it right. I'm trying to understand why the decision was made to do this rather than that so I don't need to compare specific players or plays or games or anything like that to understand why these decisions are being made so I never ever bring up another player to compare to my player.

[00:25:00] Awesome. Yeah I'm going to hold myself back a couple times you and through her college career and I've had to hold myself back.

[00:25:10] I'm like do you want me to email the ad. She's what are you talking about.

[00:25:15] Yeah and and just to add to that circling back again to the whole like parent player dynamic Heather this one's big for me we've talked about it but I'm not comparing your kid to their teammates like in conversations even if you're trying to be constructive and give them feedback that at least for me that was a big no as young females to like we already put all this extra pressure on ourselves and that just was something that

[00:25:40] as soon as my dad would try to do that I would shut down. So just the comparisons and especially like the stats and just it's not a good avenue.

[00:25:50] Awesome. I guess my last question and we talked about Lacey and I talked about being humble being hungry and being smart.

[00:26:00] I guess a two full question described by smart player and then describe a smart parent it's not an intellectual and never could say that word.

[00:26:11] It's not being smart like book smart but just describe a smart player and describe a smart parent if you can.

[00:26:18] I'll take smart parent to to sort it off.

[00:26:24] All right.

[00:26:25] I think just reiterating what we just talked about a smart parent is going to know when to speak up they're going to know whether that's to the coach whether that's how they handle their relationship with their kid.

[00:26:36] They're going to do the homework to educate themselves on the game just you don't have to know softball in and out to support your kid but you should probably know the basics so you know how to support her.

[00:26:46] And then just being supported at the fields and at home so if you're at the field so it's never the parents that are yelling at umpires are screaming at this and that that's not a smart parent.

[00:26:57] You know when to speak up either you're cheering you're not saying anything at all at the end games at home off of the field it's always being there to support your daughter whether it's the softball stuff or the outside of softball stuff because it's all interrelated like we've talked about.

[00:27:12] The smart parent knows when to speak up to coaches when it's appropriate how to support your kid to go speak to those coaches.

[00:27:20] Smart parent I don't know to me more often than not just keeps their mouth shut knows when to open it but and when they do open them out that's what something that if you're running your mouth all the time when you go to approach a coach you're not going to the words you say aren't going to hold much meaning but if you are quiet you reflective you speak up only when there's a reason to speak up to your child.

[00:27:41] When they speak up then those words that you speak to the coach they're going to be taken better they're going to be more receptive to what you have to say and the content of what you say is going to be heard better.

[00:27:51] Yeah I agree and I also would include being a smart parent but showcases this stuff because there's college coaches watching right?

[00:27:59] Yes no they're recruiting you too.

[00:28:00] Yeah they're recruiting the parents and you guys touched upon that in your connection series is when you guys are running a travel ball team the coaches out here some coaches would they're recruiting the parents so if you were a crappy parent maybe if your kid was good they would not take the kid.

[00:28:20] It just makes the whole experience miserable.

[00:28:22] It's been the same vein being able to I think more than anything maybe it may just be because this is where we are with my daughter at the moment but being able to speak up for yourself and finding your voice so that whether that's with your coaches or with your teammates holding to their accountable just on the field my daughter's a catcher I was a catcher so learning how to have a voice on the field whether it's calling plays or hyping up your teammates or just letting everyone know how many outs there are.

[00:28:48] That's something that's learned and it's one of those intangibles of the game so smart players have those intangibles whether it's the softball like you whether it's just curing yourself properly on the field respecting umpires all around love of the game and always being a good teammate always picking up.

[00:29:05] Oh that's I'm done with my quite I appreciate you guys having us on it was real cool having this conversation they sound not sure about what you thought but I thought it was really cool.

[00:29:16] Heather and Jeff thank you for having us on appreciate it.

[00:29:19] Yes, they know it was a great conversation thanks.